Imagine you’re in an argument with someone close to you and you’re trying so hard to defend yourself/explain your point of view, but they just don’t seem to care. Imagine you’re at work, and the boss just doesn’t seem to appreciate the work that you do. You’re always on time, you get things done efficiently, and you do it better than everyone else. Yet with them, it’s always about what you did wrong, what to do better, and why you’re not fit for that promotion you’ve been constantly asking for. It’s frustrating, it’s unfair, you feel like you deserve better, but no one seems to understand.
In our current world of fleeting attention, everyone seems to feel at least a little misunderstood. You sometimes wish that you could have someone live a day in your shoes, so they’ll finally realize what you’ve been trying to tell them. In reality though, it seems that the more we try and make someone understand us, the more the opposite happens.
It’s important to remember that people aren’t mind-readers. When you go see a therapist for example, they can’t instantly telepathically know what’s wrong with you. Instead, you build that understanding over sessions spanning weeks, months, and years. Chances are, you are willing to be patient with them, give it time, and slowly open up, building that rapport. Ask yourself then, why you might not give this same courtesy to the rest of the people in your life.
“Well, it’s their job, it’s a service that I’m paying for”, you might say. Also, you just don’t have that sort of time, relationship, or investment towards most people in your life. Valid point. After all, people simply don’t have the capacity to exert this level of compassion towards everyone they interact with, nor should they be expected to. It sucks sometimes, as you want to believe the world is benevolent, and that everyone is hospitable. But the truth is people are busy, people have their own concerns to worry about, and people’s situations/circumstances are so much more nuanced than what their surface-level behaviour suggests. In this sense, you don’t owe anyone anything, and no one owes you anything, including their understanding.
But what about the people that do? What about your doctor, your therapist, your boss? These are also people who you’d expect a level of understanding from, based on their professional responsibility/duty to you. More importantly, what about your friends, your partner, your family? These are people that are close to you in which it’s safe to assume there is an expectation for understanding in the relationship that goes both ways. After all, the closer you become with someone, the more your problems also become theirs, and vice versa. On one hand, this is extremely comforting, and a part of what makes close relationships special. On the other hand, it is with these people that we feel the most betrayed when we experience a violation of our trust/understanding, and we react as such. As an illustration, it’s often brought up that a lack of communication is a common cause for separation among couples. Indeed, research on divorce/causes for divorce repeatedly cite something along the lines of a lack of communication (e.g., “not being able to talk together”) as one of the leading causes for divorce (Hawkins et al., 2012).
So where does that leave us? Well, if you’re being treated in a way where you feel your health/well-being are being jeopardized, then you definitely have a right to voice your concerns. But a lot of the time it’s just not that simple.
Think about your connections, and if based on your level of relationship with someone they’ve earned forgiveness, leniency, and the right for you to hear them out. Think about if you’ve even tried to understand them, or if you’ve already formed conclusions. Think about if you tend to not voice your thoughts/feelings around people because “they wouldn’t understand anyway”. Relationships are complicated, but ideally, a healthy relationship should be a two-person job. Remember again, there’s a big difference between trying to make someone understand you and softly telling them: “Hey, help me understand what’s going on.”
Works Cited
Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. J. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53(6), 453-463.
